A long time ago I remember putting myself in the place of one of the disciples – mentally, emotionally – as they saw You hanging on the cross.

‘Why did my Jesus have to die?’, was my question.  Why did my Jesus have to die?.

I can not even imagine their torment.  Living & eating, talking & learning, and witnessing the power of life from Your hands – day in and day out for 3 years.  Believing and loving You deeply – now, completely run over by the truth hanging on the cross before them.  Fear consumed them.  Questions destroyed every possible attempt to make sense of the moment.  And their hearts burned with loss.  Why did my Jesus have to die?.

The mental and emotional intensity was blinding.  The truth had been heard, but at this moment, impossible to recall.  Just breathing was difficult.  Answering anything related to ‘now what?!’, just highlighted Your absence.

Why did my Jesus have to die?

Today, the entirety of Your story is told and the life-giving, power-filling ending is prominently visible.  Hearing it, reading it and thinking on it bring great celebration!  The joy of the Passover and the  resurrection are world-wide celebrated events.  But if I miss the story of Friday and Saturday, I may miss the wonder of Sunday.  The “why” may never get answered.

The New Testament is filled with all the reasons why.  From Jesus’ own explanations* to the expositions of Paul*, Peter* and the writer of Hebrews*.  Indeed all of it points to the reasons ‘why’ as it expresses the love of God and the need of men.

But sometimes I find myself in a place similiar to the disciples.  The next chapter has not been written yet and today’s truth is so blinding that I can’t remember yesterdays encouragement.  Blinding mental and emotional intensity.  Fear.  Questions that chase away answers…’why?’ and ‘now what?’.

There are a lot of good (& true) typical Christian answers for season such as this – Wait, Trust, Seek, Surrender, Hope, Pray, and Praise.  All good stuff.  And, they work.  You truly bring presence into the middle of one looking for You in these ways.

But what is the one thing that would have turned the mental and emotional whirlwind into focus in the disciples situation?  What would have curbed their anguish and tempered tehir fear with hope?  What would work for me?

I searched all Your recorded conversations, looking for the treasure that revealed what was missing…and the open door for waling through tragedy with hope.

It was Mark who made note of it.  You had already made some surprise, in-person exchanges with several others, but not yet to this core of day-in, day-out students …and friends.

You unlocked the difficulty of the previous two days when You rebuked them with this – their unbelief and hardness of heart.*

Unbelief.

You certianly know our fragile ways.  We put so much weight into the condition of the heart that it can nearly destroy us.  Learning how to live ‘in the Spirit’*, rather than ‘in the heart’ is an extremely difficult, but desperately needed life-point.

I’ve unknowingly embraced the cultural mood that elevates the heart, and fulfilling its wishes, to a very high, and unstable, position.  There is nothing more You desire than a fulfilled and stable heart.  Indeed, it’s the only way we can fulfill the requirement of the law to love.*

But rather than elevate the heart, You (wisely) secure it with an unshakeable foundation – truth.*  On a sure foundation, my heart is less likely to topple.  Feeding, securing, my heart with truth means my heart can stay soft and tender (under Your watchful eye) warding off the tendency to harden the outer shell in case of another fall.

“Unbelief and hardness of heart,” You said.  Their hearts were devastated because they didn’t cling to the truth.

Luke reveals how You clarified it for them … all the words of Jesus, the law of Moses, the Prophets and the Psalms were written of Him & this season, and had to be fulfilled.*

They had, understandably, allowed their hearts to lead them through apparent diseaster, rather than truth.  Jesus, the law, the Prophets had equipped them, but it got lost in the shuffle.

Their hearts still would have burst with loss.  They loved this man.  But loss comforted by belief feels much different than loss tormented with ‘why?’.

Why did my Jesus have to die?

It is the right question.  Perhaps the most important question ever.  It’s the question I would have asked had I walked in their sandles.  And like them, the noise in my heart would have been louder than truth.  But … You have come.  Just like You came to them in their fear, doubt & confusion with Your announcemnt of “Peace!”*, You have come still today, to me.  

You always take the first step.  You announce ‘peace’ upon Your arrival, and You point the way to a stable and tender heart that can live through chaos by clinging to truth … Believe.

Believe.

Whether it’s Friday, and my hopes & dreams have been nailed to a cross, or, it’s Sunday and exhilarating victory is celebrated – the point of connection and the source of life is the same – belief.

* Clicking on *’s will open a new web page providing the indicated reference.